Whateva

I'm going to go in a new direction with this thing.  The blog has been very business-appropriate, and quite honestly, I'm boring myself to death.  So no more of that nonsense.
Recently, I've been doing a Christmas Carol here.  This, I can honestly say, is really fun to be in.  It doesn't hurt that I'm not running the fly system in a dark little hovel.  I get to sing, dance, act, and wear a very large and very colorful hat.  All of these things are positives.  I think that the actors doing the show are very talented, and I am increasingly impressed with Bill McNulty.
Here's the rub, however: I do not think I can do regional theater.  The lifestyle, the moving, and most importantly, the lack of artistic voice that actors have may or may not kill my soul.  V came to talk to us about art, and what it means to be a theatre artist.  And I realized that I need to be a part of a company.  I need to be making work that I can sink my teeth into.  I feel like the last time I really made art was at Middlebury.  And here's what she said that has stuck with me the most:  she said that that directors are a relatively new addition to the theatre world (in terms of the history of theatre).  It used to be that actors and maybe other smart people all got in a room, and worked it out.  Actors felt their art move in them and collaborated with the other artists in the room, really grappling with the situations and themes at hand.  And now we need permission to move across the stage.  And I think that's what's been bothering me.  Don't get me wrong, I love directors. I HAVE directed. And the directors I met here have been lovely. I just think I'm looking for a more collaborative process.  I need to be in a room, making it work.  I mean this is all good...I came here to figure my stuff out, and I certainly am. 
That being said, I need to get out of America ASAP.  I think about London all the time.  It is my city, my world, and where I need to be.  I just have a lower baseline energy than most Americans, and I find it exhausting.   My friend Ellen Haun (who I'm in a ten-minute play with) put me in touch with some friends of hers who have a company there, and I am thrilled. I need to travel, get to Italy and find my roots, get to London and find my life, go everywhere else and find a lot of other stuff. 
Also, hooray! I go home for Christmas soon.  God, I need family like water.  I don't think I can live a life where calling them can only happen at night or early in the morning.  I need time.  I need to wake up and eat breakfast, and go food shopping, and have a dog that I can walk.  I gotta slow down.  Which brings me back to what I've been thinking about for years, but haven't fully grasped until now.  My favorite quote, William S. Burroughs "Nothing is true, everything is permitted."  I don't have to do anything.  I don't have to accomplish anything.  There are no rules.  I'm learning to do what I want to do.  I no longer feel obligated, because all the rules are just made up anyway.  As my mom always says, nobody ever knows what's going on. The world is just a bunch of people, all confused, all thinking somebody else knows what's going on.  But nobody does.  And that's a freeing thing.